


The Ocean in Your Tears

by Butideasdontdie



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander is scared, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Boyfriends, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Jamilton - Freeform, M/M, Night Terrors, Nightmares, and probably v insecure, real estate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 17:51:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8905732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butideasdontdie/pseuds/Butideasdontdie
Summary: Things would be alright.Things would be better. (AKA apparently I like making Alexander suffer through nightmares. Poor babe. Also, Jamilton.)





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Midnigtartist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midnigtartist/gifts).



Eyes. Eyes all around him. Dozens of pairs, large and wide and staring at him in anxious waiting.

Waiting for him to admit. Admit anything. Admit everything.

Alexander was small, and cold, and scared. The tiled floor beneath him tore the heat from his body and sucked the life out of his soul. All that he could feel was the cold- the cold and the eyes.

And then, no more eyes. They were all gone, except for one pair. 

He was no longer in the cold tiled room, either. No, Alexander was curled in on himself a-top the bone-numbingly cold sand. The dampness stole into the scarce clothing he had on; he could feel himself shaking. Everything was shaking. 

And then a voice.

A voice that might otherwise be his solace.

A voice that might otherwise take all of his pains away.

But not this time.

“Wake up, Hamilton.”

“Wake up and look around you.”

“You’re a mistake, Hamilton.”

“You have always been and will always be a mistake.”

The cold voice of his lover went on and on, taunting, cursing, snarking away. Alexander couldn’t feel anything. He couldn’t feel anything but the cold sand and the biting wind and the shaking of his bones and the hurt of the words being slung.

“Please, please Thomas-”

“You think you can just sit there all day? What happened to you. Pathetic.”

“Thomas, please, I-”

“And yet here we are. Don’t give me that bullshit, Hamilton. Begging won’t get you anywhere anymore.”

“Thomas, I-”

“Thomas this, Thomas that,” his voice was deathly silent at the same time that it was monstrously loud. His every word was a mockery, an eerie curse against their relationship, their every moment together. His fears, brought to life.

“You think that I ever really wanted you? You’re just a way to pass the time.”

“I-”

“You what? You love me? You’re sorry? You need me? Drop the fucking act.”

“Thomas, Thomas, no-”

And then the eyes were back, joining the two right there on the lonely beach. The wind howled and the moon shone darkly as the smell of death arose from the ground up.

“It’s all on you, Alex. It’s all on you.”

And everything was too fucking much. The words, the sights, the sounds, the smells- even with his eyes shut tightly and his fingers in his ears, Alexander found no escape from the world growing around him. 

“It’s all on you.”

“It’s all on you.”

“It’s all on you,” the voice grew together, Thomas’s morphing and growing, and taking all possible forms.

“I never wanted this, please, I- please, Thomas, I’m sorry,” the poor man sobbed, writhing and convulsing on the cold cold ground as he begged for mercy.

“It’s all on you.”

“It’s all on you.”

“It’s all on you It’s all on you It’s all on you It’s all on you It’s all on you It’s all on you It’s all on you It’s all on you It’s all on you It’s all on you It’s all on you It’s all on you It’s all on you…” the voice grew and grew and grew.

“Alex.”

“Alex.”

“Alex.”

“ALEX!”

And then he was being thrust awake, really and truly, into the much kinder reality that surrounded him. Unbeknownst to this truth, Alexander shot up from achingly cold sheets with a wretched and heart shattering cry. In all honesty, he found breathing through his tears truly difficult. Nevertheless, he found the air his lungs needed in order to sob hideously into his arms as he curled himself into a ball on the edge of the too-large bed.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry…” he apologized in a drunken fashion, his words slurring together as he felt himself close to retching.

“Alex, Alex can you hear me?! Sweetheart, please- I’m here. I’m here, it’s okay!”

But Alexander couldn’t hear him. He couldn’t hear anything over the horrifying anti-reality of his night terrors and the loneliness that he felt in their aftermath. Soon enough the man found himself howling, which lead to hyperventilation, which lead to dry-heaving over the edge of the mattress. 

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry Thomas- I- fuck- I-”

“Alex, baby, can you hear me? Can you see me? Listen to my voice, okay?”

“I can’t- I can’t breathe,” Alexander cried out as his hands moved up his body to pull violently at his hair. Hands grasped his own along the way, yanking him further into reality.

“Breathe with me, okay darling? Can you do that?”

“I- I-”

“Sh, sh- listen to my voice-”

“Thomas, Thomas please-”

“One… two… three… four…” the other spoke slowly, his voice low and lulling as his shaking fingers ran soothingly through his small boyfriends hair.

Thomas had been out late that night with his friend James Madison; they had been celebrating a successful sales pitch in the south for some real estate company that Thomas could no longer place a name to. The fact of the matter was that when Thomas finally returned home in the late hours of the night, instead of being met by his normally bright-eyed and bushy-tailed boyfriend typing avidly on his computer, the sight he was met with was something that tore his heart in two. 

It wasn't any news to Thomas that Alexander on the occasion had nightmares that shook him far too deeply to the core; it was a painful sight to see no matter how accustomed to it he might've been. 

He hadn't even had the time to slip off his nice, polished shoes.

“Thomas- Thomas-”

“Sh, darling. Just breathe, alright? Five… six…” 

“S-seven eight- eight.. n-ni-” the other stammered put hurriedly, body jerking every so often in fear. 

“Slower, honey. Like this, okay?” Thomas began again, slower this time as he interlaced his boyfriend's fingers with his own and pulled the smaller one flat across his business-clad chest. 

Eventually the two found a gentle rhythm that drew Alexander out of shock and back into the world around him. Watery eyes eventually opened once again, and when they were met with a look of concern rather than disdain, a small hiccup tumble forth from his lips.

“Sh, I've got you my dearest. You're safe in my arms. I've got you.” 

“Thomas,” he sniffled, fingers tightening around his taller boyfriends suit jacket. 

“It's okay now. Everything's okay, yeah?” 

“Y- yeah,” he mumbled, throat hoarse from all of the crying he had done moments before. 

“What happened?”

“...” the question was met with silence and a watery, pleading glance. Thomas took the hint and, deciding not to ask again, drew Alexander further against his chest.

“You're- you're still wearing your business clothes.” 

“It's fine, Alex. Don't worry about it, okay?” 

“But that's can't be- can't be comfortable.” 

“Ah, but I'm always comfortable when I'm around you, sweetheart.” 

For the first time since Thomas arrived home, a small smile fell upon Alexander's face. Thomas felt his breath stutter for a moment. 

“I- I-” 

“Alexander?” 

The man in question glared at his own lack of vocal control before glancing up hesitantly at the man who held his so dearly. 

“I love you…” 

“I love you too, my dear.” 

Things would be alright.


End file.
